1 00:00:02,203 --> 00:00:04,737 Uh-huh. 2 00:00:04,739 --> 00:00:07,239 Well, I know that, Neal, but it's important 3 00:00:07,241 --> 00:00:09,508 now that you-you move on. 4 00:00:09,510 --> 00:00:11,977 Get off the phone. 5 00:00:11,979 --> 00:00:13,445 I understand that too 6 00:00:13,447 --> 00:00:15,881 but y-you shouldn't just sit around being depressed. 7 00:00:15,883 --> 00:00:19,084 Tell him life's a drag, then you die. 8 00:00:19,086 --> 00:00:21,553 Now, get off the phone. 9 00:00:21,555 --> 00:00:24,757 Will you let go of my pants? 10 00:00:24,759 --> 00:00:29,061 Oh, I was talking to...Kate. 11 00:00:29,063 --> 00:00:32,197 Ah, she said hi. 12 00:00:32,199 --> 00:00:35,234 Of course. Any time you wanna talk, I'm here. 13 00:00:35,236 --> 00:00:38,237 Ah, that's what brothers are for. 14 00:00:38,239 --> 00:00:39,571 Uncle Neal again? 15 00:00:39,573 --> 00:00:42,708 Who else? The guy's a royal pain in the-- 16 00:00:42,710 --> 00:00:44,743 ALF. 17 00:00:44,745 --> 00:00:47,646 I'm sick of this guy calling all the time. 18 00:00:47,648 --> 00:00:50,482 He's like hemorrhoids with a dialing finger. 19 00:00:51,752 --> 00:00:53,752 Have a little compassion, ALF. 20 00:00:53,754 --> 00:00:56,889 Uncle Neal is going through a really rough time right now. 21 00:00:56,891 --> 00:01:00,559 I know, I know. His wife left him. 22 00:01:00,561 --> 00:01:04,663 What I can't figure out is why it took her so long. 23 00:01:06,300 --> 00:01:07,833 Neal, gotta stop doing this to yourself. 24 00:01:07,835 --> 00:01:09,935 It's time you took charge of things. 25 00:01:09,937 --> 00:01:11,003 Don't you see? 26 00:01:11,005 --> 00:01:14,173 You have to grab life by the lapels 27 00:01:14,175 --> 00:01:17,676 and shake your spirit free. 28 00:01:17,678 --> 00:01:19,812 How Zen. 29 00:01:19,814 --> 00:01:21,847 A lot of people have their dogs neutered, Neal. 30 00:01:21,849 --> 00:01:23,449 It doesn't mean that Margaret necessarily 31 00:01:23,451 --> 00:01:25,317 meant anything by it. 32 00:01:25,319 --> 00:01:28,053 Compared to Fido, Neal's getting off easy. 33 00:01:28,055 --> 00:01:29,688 [laughs] 34 00:01:30,925 --> 00:01:33,525 [theme music] 35 00:02:01,155 --> 00:02:03,755 [music continues] 36 00:02:32,753 --> 00:02:34,987 [instrumental music] 37 00:02:38,159 --> 00:02:42,027 Come on, Eric. Give us a smile. 38 00:02:42,029 --> 00:02:43,595 Give us a big smile. 39 00:02:43,597 --> 00:02:46,498 You could do it. Come on. 40 00:02:46,500 --> 00:02:48,634 'Smile.' 41 00:02:48,636 --> 00:02:50,836 'Now, Kate! Now!' 42 00:02:52,306 --> 00:02:56,875 Good boy. Good boy. That was the last bite. 43 00:02:56,877 --> 00:02:59,878 They're so easy to manipulate at this age. 44 00:03:00,881 --> 00:03:02,181 I'll get it. 45 00:03:02,183 --> 00:03:03,715 Oh, if it's Uncle Neal 46 00:03:03,717 --> 00:03:05,484 tell him I'm not here. 47 00:03:05,486 --> 00:03:09,688 Dad. You want me to lie? 48 00:03:09,690 --> 00:03:12,958 It's not a lie, it's a...relative. 49 00:03:14,061 --> 00:03:16,361 That's how Lizzie Borden got started. 50 00:03:16,363 --> 00:03:20,832 First she lied to her parents, then she hacked them to pieces. 51 00:03:20,834 --> 00:03:25,070 Probably looked a lot like this. Only not so veiny. 52 00:03:27,107 --> 00:03:29,041 Check, please. 53 00:03:29,043 --> 00:03:31,143 Just a second. You're safe, dad. It's for me. 54 00:03:31,145 --> 00:03:33,478 I'm-I'm gonna take it in the other room. 55 00:03:33,480 --> 00:03:34,947 You know, now that I think about it 56 00:03:34,949 --> 00:03:37,482 we haven't heard from your brother in days. 57 00:03:37,484 --> 00:03:39,685 I think he probably took the advice I gave him 58 00:03:39,687 --> 00:03:42,487 and started taking charge of his own life. 59 00:03:42,489 --> 00:03:43,922 That poor guy. 60 00:03:43,924 --> 00:03:45,857 To have invested ten years with the same person 61 00:03:45,859 --> 00:03:48,694 and have it end so badly. 62 00:03:48,696 --> 00:03:50,562 Well, at least he's got his storm-door business 63 00:03:50,564 --> 00:03:52,164 to keep him occupied. 64 00:03:52,166 --> 00:03:55,701 Talk about that Tanner zest for life. 65 00:04:00,341 --> 00:04:02,941 [instrumental music] 66 00:04:06,614 --> 00:04:08,113 - Morning, ALF. - Morning. 67 00:04:08,115 --> 00:04:09,848 Did dad give the Ochmoneks permission 68 00:04:09,850 --> 00:04:12,184 to park one of their campers in our driveway? 69 00:04:12,186 --> 00:04:14,186 You know, this sort of thing wouldn't happen 70 00:04:14,188 --> 00:04:16,588 if we didn't live in what Geraldo calls 71 00:04:16,590 --> 00:04:19,224 a marginal neighborhood. 72 00:04:19,226 --> 00:04:20,592 [doorbell rings] 73 00:04:20,594 --> 00:04:22,661 Ugh. Who could that be at this hour? 74 00:04:22,663 --> 00:04:24,696 Probably someone marginal. 75 00:04:28,235 --> 00:04:30,702 Who could possibly be ringing our doorbell 76 00:04:30,704 --> 00:04:33,138 at 7:00 in the morning? 77 00:04:33,140 --> 00:04:35,307 It's Neal. 78 00:04:35,309 --> 00:04:37,576 - Neal. - Surprise! 79 00:04:37,578 --> 00:04:41,680 Oh, yeah, it sure is that. 80 00:04:41,682 --> 00:04:43,749 Well, come on. Come on in. 81 00:04:43,751 --> 00:04:45,317 I hope I'm not ringing too early. 82 00:04:45,319 --> 00:04:46,618 Oh, nonsense. 83 00:04:46,620 --> 00:04:49,454 No, it's-it's wonderful to see you. 84 00:04:49,456 --> 00:04:51,490 - Hi, Neal. - Oh, Lynnie. 85 00:04:51,492 --> 00:04:53,392 Why didn't you tell us you were coming? 86 00:04:53,394 --> 00:04:55,260 Well, because the new Neal Tanner 87 00:04:55,262 --> 00:04:57,729 is spontaneous, impetuous. 88 00:04:58,999 --> 00:05:02,334 Oh, you're looking at my new camper, aren't you? 89 00:05:02,336 --> 00:05:05,671 - That's yours? - Yeah, isn't she a beauty? 90 00:05:05,673 --> 00:05:08,106 Then those are your boxer shorts on the antenna. 91 00:05:08,108 --> 00:05:10,976 I didn't realize you were such a big Batman fan. 92 00:05:10,978 --> 00:05:13,845 I lost the clothesline just outside of Albuquerque. 93 00:05:15,215 --> 00:05:17,516 I didn't know you liked camping, Neal. 94 00:05:17,518 --> 00:05:20,786 Well, I don't, actually. Uh.. 95 00:05:20,788 --> 00:05:24,956 This was all your idea, Willie. Don't you remember? 96 00:05:24,958 --> 00:05:27,259 I-I told you to take up camping? 97 00:05:27,261 --> 00:05:30,595 No, you told me to grab life by the lapels 98 00:05:30,597 --> 00:05:33,532 and shake my spirit free, right? 99 00:05:33,534 --> 00:05:35,467 A words to that effect. 100 00:05:35,469 --> 00:05:37,736 Well, I finally did. 101 00:05:37,738 --> 00:05:39,004 I mean, you made me realize 102 00:05:39,006 --> 00:05:42,207 I was living in this teeny-weeny little rut. 103 00:05:42,209 --> 00:05:44,176 And after Margaret bolted 104 00:05:44,178 --> 00:05:48,213 it just kept getting teenier and ruttier and.. 105 00:05:48,215 --> 00:05:50,115 So I finally did what you told me to do. 106 00:05:50,117 --> 00:05:52,751 I quit my job, I gave up my apartment 107 00:05:52,753 --> 00:05:55,420 I traded in the Valiant and-and I bought that camper 108 00:05:55,422 --> 00:05:58,123 and, well, here I am. 109 00:05:58,125 --> 00:05:59,725 I'm a new man. 110 00:06:01,528 --> 00:06:04,262 I never told you to do any of those things, Neal. 111 00:06:04,264 --> 00:06:08,734 Well, no, not in so many words. I sort of read in. 112 00:06:09,470 --> 00:06:11,069 [metal clanging] 113 00:06:14,375 --> 00:06:15,907 Excuse me. 114 00:06:15,909 --> 00:06:17,843 This is a special moment. 115 00:06:17,845 --> 00:06:20,345 Why don't I go make us an international coffee? 116 00:06:20,347 --> 00:06:21,913 Irish mocha mint? 117 00:06:24,284 --> 00:06:26,451 - ALF. - What? 118 00:06:26,453 --> 00:06:29,988 I was looking for a shrimp fork. These are too big. 119 00:06:29,990 --> 00:06:32,624 Just be quiet. Uncle Neal is here. 120 00:06:32,626 --> 00:06:33,658 I know. 121 00:06:33,660 --> 00:06:36,495 See? It was someone marginal. 122 00:06:36,497 --> 00:06:40,232 By the way, your father's quite the advice giver. 123 00:06:40,234 --> 00:06:42,768 You know what you get when you shake life's lapels? 124 00:06:42,770 --> 00:06:45,370 Life's dandruff. That's what you get. 125 00:06:49,410 --> 00:06:50,675 Shh. 126 00:06:50,677 --> 00:06:53,278 [instrumental music] 127 00:07:08,061 --> 00:07:10,462 Ah, got your, uh, utilities hooked up. 128 00:07:10,464 --> 00:07:11,730 Oh, thank you. 129 00:07:11,732 --> 00:07:13,098 But really, Neal, you know 130 00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:14,866 you're more than welcome to sleep in the house. 131 00:07:14,868 --> 00:07:16,301 No, no, no. 132 00:07:16,303 --> 00:07:19,504 The new, independent Neal Tanner takes care of himself. 133 00:07:19,506 --> 00:07:21,740 Thanks though. 134 00:07:21,742 --> 00:07:24,576 It's really good to see you, Neal. 135 00:07:24,578 --> 00:07:27,045 It's been a long time. 136 00:07:27,047 --> 00:07:28,313 You know what they say. 137 00:07:28,315 --> 00:07:29,915 Families only seem to get together 138 00:07:29,917 --> 00:07:32,250 at weddings and funerals. 139 00:07:32,252 --> 00:07:35,287 Now we can add divorces to that. 140 00:07:35,289 --> 00:07:38,290 Kind of funny, isn't it? 141 00:07:38,292 --> 00:07:40,559 - You're gonna be okay, Neal. - I know. 142 00:07:40,561 --> 00:07:42,260 You're gonna be okay. 143 00:07:42,262 --> 00:07:44,963 You still make the best hospital corners in our family. 144 00:07:44,965 --> 00:07:46,932 Yeah. You want me to come in and do yours? 145 00:07:46,934 --> 00:07:50,335 No, no. No, thanks. Kate's asleep. 146 00:07:50,337 --> 00:07:52,771 Well, that's no problem. I can work around her. 147 00:07:52,773 --> 00:07:55,440 I worked around Margaret all the time. 148 00:07:55,442 --> 00:07:57,609 You mean you doted on Margaret so much 149 00:07:57,611 --> 00:08:00,312 that she didn't have to get out of the bed for you to make it? 150 00:08:01,582 --> 00:08:03,381 No sense both of us being up. 151 00:08:04,918 --> 00:08:07,285 But hey, that's all behind me now. 152 00:08:07,287 --> 00:08:08,854 Now that I've grabbed life by the lapels 153 00:08:08,856 --> 00:08:10,856 and shaken my spirit free. 154 00:08:10,858 --> 00:08:13,458 Thanks to you. 155 00:08:13,460 --> 00:08:15,861 Yeah. 156 00:08:15,863 --> 00:08:18,296 Yeah, about that, Neal. 157 00:08:18,298 --> 00:08:21,967 Ah, what I really meant was, I think.. 158 00:08:21,969 --> 00:08:25,203 ...was sit down, relax 159 00:08:25,205 --> 00:08:28,006 don't make any rash decisions. 160 00:08:28,008 --> 00:08:30,709 Above all, don't uproot your whole life 161 00:08:30,711 --> 00:08:34,179 and drive into somebody's driveway in a Winnebago. 162 00:08:35,382 --> 00:08:37,249 You're afraid I'm gonna be a burden. 163 00:08:37,251 --> 00:08:40,252 No, Neal. No.. 164 00:08:40,254 --> 00:08:43,688 I'm just wondering if you really thought this thing through. 165 00:08:43,690 --> 00:08:45,090 What about your job? 166 00:08:45,092 --> 00:08:47,425 You-you loved selling storm doors. 167 00:08:47,427 --> 00:08:50,829 I did, but I don't necessarily think that man was meant to 168 00:08:50,831 --> 00:08:52,631 just do one thing with his life, Willie. 169 00:08:52,633 --> 00:08:55,133 And n-now is a good time for me to take some risks. 170 00:08:55,135 --> 00:08:57,035 So, I was thinking about getting into sunroofs. 171 00:08:57,037 --> 00:09:00,138 What do you think? Do you know anybody in sunroofs? 172 00:09:01,174 --> 00:09:04,776 - No, afraid not. - I know. 173 00:09:04,778 --> 00:09:08,280 It's a tough game to crack unless you know somebody. 174 00:09:08,282 --> 00:09:11,483 But hey, I made it in storm doors, didn't I? 175 00:09:11,485 --> 00:09:13,318 - Sure did. - Mm. 176 00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:15,487 You wanna know something? I'm gonna do it all on my own. 177 00:09:15,489 --> 00:09:17,722 You're looking at the new, revamped Neal Tanner. 178 00:09:17,724 --> 00:09:20,959 I am strong, I am invincible. 179 00:09:20,961 --> 00:09:23,528 Do you know any women that fool around? 180 00:09:23,530 --> 00:09:24,863 Just a little. 181 00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:29,000 [instrumental music] 182 00:09:36,443 --> 00:09:39,110 You gonna finish that? 183 00:09:39,112 --> 00:09:43,481 No, I was gonna store it in my cheeks until winter. 184 00:09:43,483 --> 00:09:46,551 There's more food, Brian. What would you like thirds of? 185 00:09:46,553 --> 00:09:48,486 Everything. 186 00:09:48,488 --> 00:09:50,855 Where did you learn to cook so well, Uncle Neal? 187 00:09:50,857 --> 00:09:55,694 Well, breakfast was Margaret's favorite meal of the afternoon. 188 00:09:55,696 --> 00:09:58,396 Except on weekends, when she'd sleep late. 189 00:09:59,633 --> 00:10:01,800 You know, sometimes I wonder 190 00:10:01,802 --> 00:10:04,903 where she got the energy to leave me. 191 00:10:04,905 --> 00:10:06,738 - Good morning, guys. - Morning, Willie. 192 00:10:06,740 --> 00:10:08,306 What would you like for breakfast? 193 00:10:08,308 --> 00:10:10,775 Eggs, sausage, cinnamon rolls, waffles.. 194 00:10:10,777 --> 00:10:14,446 Oh, uh...a couple of eggs and toast will be fine. 195 00:10:14,448 --> 00:10:15,780 Okay. How would you like those cooked? 196 00:10:15,782 --> 00:10:18,483 Scrambled, over easy, boiled, fried? 197 00:10:19,353 --> 00:10:21,052 Coddled. 198 00:10:21,054 --> 00:10:23,455 One minute, two minutes, three minutes? 199 00:10:24,458 --> 00:10:26,992 - Surprise me. - Roger Wilco. 200 00:10:28,862 --> 00:10:33,298 You know who is not very happy about you know what. 201 00:10:34,468 --> 00:10:37,102 Well, we'll just have to tell you know who 202 00:10:37,104 --> 00:10:40,605 that he can go you know where. 203 00:10:40,607 --> 00:10:44,643 He told me to tell you he's made a voodoo doll in your image. 204 00:10:44,645 --> 00:10:46,244 [chuckles] 205 00:10:48,482 --> 00:10:51,082 [instrumental music] 206 00:10:58,592 --> 00:11:00,759 Nice touch. 207 00:11:00,761 --> 00:11:03,194 Subtle, but it makes a point. 208 00:11:04,331 --> 00:11:06,765 I can understand your feelings, ALF. 209 00:11:06,767 --> 00:11:09,034 I can also understand your dilemma. 210 00:11:09,036 --> 00:11:13,204 What I can't understand is this note. 211 00:11:13,206 --> 00:11:16,741 It's in English. What don't you understand? 212 00:11:16,743 --> 00:11:19,044 "Dear Neal, take some advice from a guy 213 00:11:19,046 --> 00:11:21,479 "who loves you like a brother. 214 00:11:21,481 --> 00:11:23,982 "There's a camper leaving town at noon 215 00:11:23,984 --> 00:11:25,617 "either be in it or under it. 216 00:11:25,619 --> 00:11:28,386 Love, Anonymous." 217 00:11:28,388 --> 00:11:31,389 I love when you read to me. 218 00:11:31,391 --> 00:11:33,224 You left this on the kitchen table 219 00:11:33,226 --> 00:11:34,459 hoping that Neal would see it 220 00:11:34,461 --> 00:11:36,494 and think it was from me, didn't you? 221 00:11:36,496 --> 00:11:38,563 Let him draw his own conclusions. 222 00:11:38,565 --> 00:11:41,533 I didn't say it was from his brother. 223 00:11:41,535 --> 00:11:45,136 - Clever, yes? - Clever? No. 224 00:11:45,138 --> 00:11:47,238 Insensitive? Yes. 225 00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:49,974 Contemptuous? Absolutely. 226 00:11:49,976 --> 00:11:52,277 Fortunately, Neal didn't see it. 227 00:11:54,081 --> 00:11:56,748 If my brother wants to visit here for a while 228 00:11:56,750 --> 00:11:58,450 he's welcome, ALF. 229 00:11:58,452 --> 00:11:59,718 Fine. 230 00:11:59,720 --> 00:12:01,219 But if you were more forceful 231 00:12:01,221 --> 00:12:03,822 and less sympathetic to freeloaders 232 00:12:03,824 --> 00:12:06,991 perhaps he'd get the hint. 233 00:12:06,993 --> 00:12:08,727 I'm ending this conversation now. 234 00:12:08,729 --> 00:12:11,396 But before I go, I'd like you to imagine what my being 235 00:12:11,398 --> 00:12:13,431 less sympathetic to freeloaders might mean 236 00:12:13,433 --> 00:12:16,468 to the fate of another member of this household. 237 00:12:19,840 --> 00:12:21,239 He's right. 238 00:12:21,241 --> 00:12:23,775 Kate would have been history a long time ago. 239 00:12:28,181 --> 00:12:30,081 [instrumental music] 240 00:12:35,122 --> 00:12:37,288 - How'd your talk with ALF go? - Oh. 241 00:12:37,290 --> 00:12:40,625 How do my talks with ALF usually go? 242 00:12:40,627 --> 00:12:43,762 - I'll get your antacid pills. - Thanks. 243 00:12:45,232 --> 00:12:47,599 He's just, he's got to accept the fact 244 00:12:47,601 --> 00:12:50,702 that Neal is gonna be here for a while. 245 00:12:52,506 --> 00:12:57,442 Just for clarity, exactly how would you define "a while?" 246 00:12:57,444 --> 00:12:59,511 Oh, Kate, don't you start too. 247 00:12:59,513 --> 00:13:01,212 This-this is my kid brother 248 00:13:01,214 --> 00:13:03,782 and he happens to need me right now. 249 00:13:03,784 --> 00:13:06,184 Willie, I like Neal very much 250 00:13:06,186 --> 00:13:08,253 but he has always used you to shield himself 251 00:13:08,255 --> 00:13:09,621 from the real world. 252 00:13:09,623 --> 00:13:11,589 That's not true. 253 00:13:11,591 --> 00:13:14,759 You proposed to his ex-wife for him. 254 00:13:14,761 --> 00:13:18,096 Neal is shy and is subject to shingles. 255 00:13:18,098 --> 00:13:20,598 I had no choice. 256 00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:23,635 You are obviously too close to be objective about this. 257 00:13:23,637 --> 00:13:26,437 - I'm objective. - No, you're not, honey. 258 00:13:26,439 --> 00:13:30,241 Well, why should I be, anyway? He's my brother. 259 00:13:30,243 --> 00:13:31,743 Look, all I am saying is 260 00:13:31,745 --> 00:13:34,612 if Neal is serious about putting his life in order 261 00:13:34,614 --> 00:13:37,448 and putting Margaret behind him, we're not helping. 262 00:13:37,450 --> 00:13:39,784 No matter how well we're eating. 263 00:13:41,154 --> 00:13:42,954 What are you saying, then? 264 00:13:42,956 --> 00:13:44,989 Look, he needs to learn to fend for himself. 265 00:13:44,991 --> 00:13:46,658 Maybe he needs a little push. 266 00:13:46,660 --> 00:13:49,761 Besides, this whole situation is not exactly fair to ALF. 267 00:13:49,763 --> 00:13:51,696 [knocking on door] 268 00:13:51,698 --> 00:13:53,965 Speaking of which.. 269 00:13:53,967 --> 00:13:56,334 What is it, ALF? 270 00:13:57,537 --> 00:14:00,505 - Willie? - Neal? 271 00:14:00,507 --> 00:14:02,173 Sorry to bother you so late. 272 00:14:02,175 --> 00:14:04,709 - Hi, Kate. - Hi, Neal. 273 00:14:04,711 --> 00:14:06,144 Who's ALF? 274 00:14:08,481 --> 00:14:10,481 ALF? 275 00:14:10,483 --> 00:14:12,383 Willie was talking to me. He calls me ALF. 276 00:14:12,385 --> 00:14:15,086 Sort of a pet name. 277 00:14:15,088 --> 00:14:17,322 I'm his little ALF. 278 00:14:17,324 --> 00:14:19,691 Oh, that's darling. 279 00:14:19,693 --> 00:14:23,862 You know, I used to call Margaret my little chicken taco. 280 00:14:23,864 --> 00:14:25,730 That was her favorite snack. 281 00:14:27,033 --> 00:14:28,867 That, and any kind of beef. 282 00:14:30,337 --> 00:14:33,671 Neal, is there something you wanted? 283 00:14:33,673 --> 00:14:35,473 Oh. T.P. 284 00:14:36,743 --> 00:14:38,843 "T.P.?" 285 00:14:38,845 --> 00:14:40,378 Toilet paper. 286 00:14:40,380 --> 00:14:43,481 I'm plumb out, and I used up all my napkins too. 287 00:14:45,852 --> 00:14:47,619 I'll get you some. 288 00:14:47,621 --> 00:14:49,787 Thank you, ALF. 289 00:14:54,361 --> 00:14:56,961 [instrumental music] 290 00:15:01,835 --> 00:15:03,701 [burps] Yeah. 291 00:15:03,703 --> 00:15:06,304 You know, if you eat fast, you could eat more. 292 00:15:06,306 --> 00:15:09,641 Yeah. It also adds to the ambience. 293 00:15:09,643 --> 00:15:11,009 I know. 294 00:15:11,011 --> 00:15:12,877 [burps] 295 00:15:12,879 --> 00:15:14,012 Good morning, dad. 296 00:15:14,014 --> 00:15:17,282 Good morning, Lynn, Brian, ALF. 297 00:15:17,284 --> 00:15:19,918 ALF, what are you doing down here? 298 00:15:19,920 --> 00:15:24,322 - Finishing oatmeal with clams. - Well, go back upstairs. 299 00:15:24,324 --> 00:15:26,124 Neal could come in here any minute. 300 00:15:26,126 --> 00:15:28,293 I don't think so. He's gone. 301 00:15:28,295 --> 00:15:31,396 Gone? What do you mean gone? 302 00:15:31,398 --> 00:15:34,732 Relax, I don't mean dead. 303 00:15:34,734 --> 00:15:37,735 I saw his boxer shorts drive by my window. 304 00:15:40,674 --> 00:15:42,273 ALF. 305 00:15:42,275 --> 00:15:44,342 Kate, Neal drove off in his camper 306 00:15:44,344 --> 00:15:45,376 early this morning. 307 00:15:45,378 --> 00:15:47,478 That's odd. 308 00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:49,781 Well, I'll just mosey on off 309 00:15:49,783 --> 00:15:53,217 to the television area if no one minds. 310 00:15:53,219 --> 00:15:56,287 Hold it. Somebody minds. 311 00:15:58,358 --> 00:16:00,291 What do you know about this? 312 00:16:00,293 --> 00:16:01,926 About what? 313 00:16:01,928 --> 00:16:04,262 I want you to look me in the eye 314 00:16:04,264 --> 00:16:06,597 and tell me you didn't write him another note. 315 00:16:06,599 --> 00:16:08,533 I didn't write him another note. 316 00:16:12,172 --> 00:16:16,274 Uh...pay no attention to my ears. 317 00:16:18,078 --> 00:16:20,078 Nice try. 318 00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:23,047 I told you this was none of your concern, didn't I? 319 00:16:23,049 --> 00:16:27,318 Didn't I make it perfectly clear you were to stay out of this? 320 00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:30,121 Obviously not clear enough. 321 00:16:30,123 --> 00:16:33,358 What exactly did this note say, ALF? 322 00:16:33,360 --> 00:16:37,362 Well, I seem to recall, and I'm paraphrasing now 323 00:16:37,364 --> 00:16:41,065 "Amscray, wearing out your welcome." 324 00:16:41,067 --> 00:16:42,633 Oh, and "deadbeat." 325 00:16:42,635 --> 00:16:46,170 "Sincerely yours, William Tanner." 326 00:16:46,172 --> 00:16:48,039 You signed my name? 327 00:16:48,041 --> 00:16:51,576 Well, you got mad when I signed the first one Anonymous. 328 00:16:51,578 --> 00:16:53,644 Is there no pleasing you? 329 00:16:54,881 --> 00:16:57,482 [instrumental music] 330 00:17:02,722 --> 00:17:03,921 Alright. 331 00:17:03,923 --> 00:17:07,759 What do you call a mushroom that buys all the drinks? 332 00:17:09,429 --> 00:17:11,629 A fungi to be with. 333 00:17:11,631 --> 00:17:14,432 A fungi to be with. 334 00:17:14,434 --> 00:17:16,034 [laughing] 335 00:17:17,370 --> 00:17:20,405 Ah, I kill me. 336 00:17:20,407 --> 00:17:22,974 Would you like any help? 337 00:17:22,976 --> 00:17:25,877 What did I do that was so terrible? 338 00:17:25,879 --> 00:17:28,646 You hurt Uncle Neal's feelings and made him leave. 339 00:17:28,648 --> 00:17:31,682 Before he could fix dinner. 340 00:17:31,684 --> 00:17:35,553 You made my own brother feel unwelcome in my home. 341 00:17:35,555 --> 00:17:39,157 Well, you made me feel unwelcome in my home. 342 00:17:39,159 --> 00:17:43,428 Neal was my brother long before you were ever my, my.. 343 00:17:44,397 --> 00:17:46,397 What is he, anyway? 344 00:17:46,399 --> 00:17:48,266 Don't get me started. 345 00:17:48,268 --> 00:17:50,568 [doorbell rings] 346 00:17:50,570 --> 00:17:53,504 ALF, hide in the kitchen. 347 00:17:53,506 --> 00:17:55,840 ALF, hide in the kitchen, what? 348 00:17:55,842 --> 00:17:59,644 ALF, hide in the kitchen now. 349 00:18:00,313 --> 00:18:02,680 There, was that so hard? 350 00:18:06,953 --> 00:18:09,954 Neal. Oh, come on in. 351 00:18:09,956 --> 00:18:11,989 I'm so glad you came back. 352 00:18:11,991 --> 00:18:16,294 Oh, we are so sorry you left, honey. 353 00:18:16,296 --> 00:18:19,297 - Give me your coat. - Are you hungry? Mom made-- 354 00:18:19,299 --> 00:18:23,134 - What was that, anyway? - Food. 355 00:18:23,136 --> 00:18:25,670 At any rate, there's plenty left. 356 00:18:25,672 --> 00:18:27,772 Will you cook dinner tomorrow? 357 00:18:27,774 --> 00:18:29,407 [laughs] 358 00:18:29,409 --> 00:18:31,109 What a reception. 359 00:18:31,111 --> 00:18:33,077 If I didn't know better, I'd swear you all thought 360 00:18:33,079 --> 00:18:35,146 I was gone for good. 361 00:18:35,148 --> 00:18:37,315 Well, I guess we did. 362 00:18:37,317 --> 00:18:39,984 Listen, about that note.. 363 00:18:39,986 --> 00:18:42,453 Oh, come on, Willie. 364 00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:45,256 I saw right through that old trick of yours. 365 00:18:45,258 --> 00:18:46,891 Trick? 366 00:18:46,893 --> 00:18:50,361 Didn't your dad ever tell you about the Marshall Ludwig story? 367 00:18:50,363 --> 00:18:51,896 - Doesn't ring a bell. - 'Oh.' 368 00:18:51,898 --> 00:18:54,732 Well, when your dad and I were kids 369 00:18:54,734 --> 00:18:57,668 Marshall Ludwig was the meanest bully in school. 370 00:18:57,670 --> 00:19:00,238 He was the only fourth grader with "Love Hate" 371 00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:02,940 tattooed across his knuckles. I'm not kidding. 372 00:19:02,942 --> 00:19:07,145 And for some reason, I seemed to be his favorite target. 373 00:19:07,147 --> 00:19:10,114 Oh, quelle surprise. 374 00:19:10,116 --> 00:19:13,050 Marshall had followed me home from school that day 375 00:19:13,052 --> 00:19:15,253 and told me that the next day at recess 376 00:19:15,255 --> 00:19:17,121 he was gonna beat me up so hard 377 00:19:17,123 --> 00:19:20,725 I'd be carrying my head around in my lunchbox. 378 00:19:20,727 --> 00:19:22,894 And this guy right here 379 00:19:22,896 --> 00:19:25,696 said something that really made sense. 380 00:19:25,698 --> 00:19:29,233 He said, "Neal, you know why Marshall picks on you? 381 00:19:29,235 --> 00:19:31,002 It's because you're a sissy." 382 00:19:31,004 --> 00:19:35,840 Ugh. Even as youngsters, those two were boring. 383 00:19:35,842 --> 00:19:39,310 The next time I saw that bully, I stood up to him and I said 384 00:19:39,312 --> 00:19:40,745 "You wanna stick my head in my lunchbox 385 00:19:40,747 --> 00:19:42,146 "that's fine with me 386 00:19:42,148 --> 00:19:44,949 because in no way am I gonna be a sissy." 387 00:19:44,951 --> 00:19:47,185 Didn't I see this on "The Wonder Years?" 388 00:19:48,655 --> 00:19:51,022 I knew that Willie wrote that note this morning 389 00:19:51,024 --> 00:19:54,659 so I'd get mad and I'd stop feeling sorry for myself 390 00:19:54,661 --> 00:19:57,628 and, well, I'd get out there and grab life by the lapels 391 00:19:57,630 --> 00:20:01,098 and shake my spirit free. 392 00:20:01,100 --> 00:20:03,401 - Neal? - Yeah? 393 00:20:03,403 --> 00:20:05,770 Don't use that phrase. Ever again. 394 00:20:05,772 --> 00:20:07,238 It's incredibly stupid 395 00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:09,840 and I rue the day I said it in the first place. 396 00:20:09,842 --> 00:20:10,808 Roger Wilco. 397 00:20:10,810 --> 00:20:14,145 Neal, don't use that phrase either. 398 00:20:14,147 --> 00:20:17,315 Now, where have you been all day? We were worried. 399 00:20:17,317 --> 00:20:20,551 Well, I traded in the camper 400 00:20:20,553 --> 00:20:22,520 and I put a deposit on an apartment 401 00:20:22,522 --> 00:20:24,555 not half a mile from here. 402 00:20:24,557 --> 00:20:26,591 I applied for a job 403 00:20:26,593 --> 00:20:29,327 and then I called up Margaret 404 00:20:29,329 --> 00:20:31,095 and when she answered the phone 405 00:20:31,097 --> 00:20:32,997 I hung up on her. 406 00:20:32,999 --> 00:20:34,932 That means you're gonna stay here? 407 00:20:34,934 --> 00:20:36,267 Roger Wil.. 408 00:20:37,337 --> 00:20:39,003 It looks like it. 409 00:20:41,241 --> 00:20:45,109 I hereby re-christen you Uncle Neal. 410 00:20:50,516 --> 00:20:52,116 [instrumental music] 411 00:20:53,686 --> 00:20:55,519 [laughing] 412 00:20:55,521 --> 00:20:58,222 "Dear sissy, I know where you live 413 00:20:58,224 --> 00:21:01,626 "and I've got a lunchbox with your name on it. 414 00:21:01,628 --> 00:21:03,861 "I'm out on a technicality 415 00:21:03,863 --> 00:21:07,531 "and I'm heading your wa.. 416 00:21:07,533 --> 00:21:09,734 "Way. 417 00:21:09,736 --> 00:21:14,405 Get out of town. Best wishes, Marshall Ludwig." 418 00:21:14,407 --> 00:21:16,173 [laughing] 419 00:21:16,175 --> 00:21:18,009 Hiss. Hiss. 420 00:21:19,812 --> 00:21:22,280 - ALF. - Willie! 421 00:21:24,083 --> 00:21:25,516 Hand that over. 422 00:21:25,518 --> 00:21:29,987 - Oh, my list of errands? - How many times are we-- 423 00:21:29,989 --> 00:21:32,690 (Kate) 'Neal, let me get that door for you.' 424 00:21:32,692 --> 00:21:34,725 - ALF, go to your attic, quick. - Yeah, yeah. 425 00:21:34,727 --> 00:21:37,895 "Go to your attic. Go to your attic." Boy! 426 00:21:40,500 --> 00:21:42,333 - Hi, honey. - Hi. 427 00:21:42,335 --> 00:21:44,735 Neal, you are so good with that baby. 428 00:21:44,737 --> 00:21:46,504 Oh. Hi, Willie. 429 00:21:46,506 --> 00:21:49,840 I don't know when I've ever seen him sleep so much. 430 00:21:49,842 --> 00:21:51,809 Yeah, thanks, operator. 431 00:21:59,752 --> 00:22:03,154 Hello, Marshall Ludwig? 432 00:22:03,156 --> 00:22:04,855 Oh, hi, Marshall. 433 00:22:04,857 --> 00:22:06,457 Uh, you don't know me 434 00:22:06,459 --> 00:22:10,761 but, uh, I'm about to make you a very happy man. 435 00:22:13,666 --> 00:22:16,267 [instrumental music] 436 00:22:41,928 --> 00:22:43,294 [laughs]